


Denial

by daydreamsonacloudyday



Series: Charlotte "Charlie" Shepard [7]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:52:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7515847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamsonacloudyday/pseuds/daydreamsonacloudyday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlie and Kaidan talk about what happened between them before Ilos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Denial

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place right after Saren is defeated. Charlie and Kaidan [slept together before Ilos](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7387960), but afterwards, Charlie panicked and told him it meant nothing and that she didn't care about him (her reasoning all stems from [getting her boyfriend killed on Torfan](http://daydreamsonacloudyday.tumblr.com/post/127645513285/i-figured-id-write-up-a-post-on-what-happened-to), promising herself she'd never let herself fall for anyone again, and then sacrificing Ash because of her feelings for Kaidan)

  
_Fuck_.

Charlie pushed up against the debris on top of her, pain shooting through her arm at the movement. She could hear voices calling out to her, but couldn't focus on them, her head throbbing and her vision dizzy. Feeling blood trail down her face, she ignored the pain in her left arm and forced her way out from under the rubble on top of her.

She wobbled on her feet before regaining her balance and started to hobble towards the voices, holding her arm close. A familiar figure ran up to her, and she rapidly blinked her eyes until she could see that it was Kaidan.

His brows were drawn together as he lifted his armored hands to her face, cupping her cheeks. He began to soothingly stroke her skin with his thumbs while his eyes roved over her face and down her body, assessing her for injuries.

Pulling back, Charlie frowned, glaring at him. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Shepard. You need to get looked at," Anderson said, coming up behind Kaidan with the rest of her squad.

"Oh for fuck's sake."

"Where's the nearest hospital? Or clinic?" Kaidan asked, turning to Anderson.

"There's a clinic not too far from here," the captain answered.

"I'm not going to a clinic," Charlie protested.

"Yes, you are."

"Anderson."

"Shepard, that was an order, not a request," he replied firmly, and Charlie huffed, rolling her eyes.

Kaidan stepped forward, his arms reaching for her. "I'll take—"

"Fine," Charlie droned, stepping away from him, not meeting his gaze as she shuffled over to Liara standing with the rest of the crew. "If I'm being forced to go, Liara can take me."

Anderson's eyes narrowed as he looked from Charlie to Kaidan and back to her, and she pursed her lips, staring him down. "All right," he started, turning his attention to Liara. "Make sure she gets taken care of."

"Let's get this over with," Charlie muttered.

\- . - . - . - . -

Charlie sat on a bed in the clinic, still in her armor, a scowl on her face. A nurse had already applied medi-gel to the gash on her forehead, cleaned the blood off her face, and ran a few scans, then leaving to take care of the influx of people arriving from the attack on the Citadel.

She would have much rather been out of that clinic, in the middle of what was going on in the aftermath of Saren's defeat, than stuck on the sidelines doing absolutely nothing. The moment the nurse came back and told her she was a-okay, she was out of there.

The door to the room opened, and Charlie sat up straighter, expecting the nurse. Instead, Kaidan stepped inside, rubbing the back of his neck. She briefly met his gaze and then looked away, furrowing her brows.

"Where's Liara?" he asked, hovering by the doorway.

"I told her she could go," she simply answered not offering up any details. Charlie pursed her lips—she didn't want to see him. She hoped he would get the idea and just leave her alone like she wanted.

Well, she'd _convinced_ herself that was what she wanted.

"The Council arrived after you left," Kaidan continued, peaking her interest.

"And?"

"We explained what happened, but the official story is that Sovereign was a geth ship, not a reaper."

"Of course," she drawled, shaking her head with a sigh. "I saved their asses just so they can pull this crap. Why am I not surprised?"

Kaidan tentatively stepped closer to the bed, his eyes dropping to the floor before focusing on hers. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Just waiting for them to let me out," she answered. Before he could say anything back, a sudden wave of nausea hit her. In a second, Kaidan was at her side, his arm wrapped around her as she lurched forward, vomiting into the small basin he held out in front of her.

When the nausea passed, she wiped her mouth and grimaced at the sour taste in her mouth.

"Charlie," Kaidan murmured, brushing loose strands of her hair back.

"I'm fine," she replied, her voice hard, sitting back upright to distance herself from him. He took the hint, his hand dropping to his side as he took a step back from the bed.

"You're not fine," her nurse said as she entered the room. "You have a concussion. You're going to have to stay overnight for observation."

"Fan-fucking-tastic," Charlie grumbled, glaring at the nurse when she presented her with a medical gown to wear. Sighing, she snatched it out of the other woman's hand. The nurse moved to help her remove her armor and put it on, but Charlie pulled it back. "I got it."

"Commander—"

"I just saved the damn Citadel, I think I can handle putting this on by myself," she droned, the nurse raising an eyebrow at her.

"Then I'll see to my other patients."

With that, the nurse left, and they were alone once again.

Charlie reached for the clasps of her armor, her arm protesting with pain at the movement, and she groaned in frustration.

"I can get the nurse," Kaidan offered.

"I basically just told the nurse to go fuck herself."

"Do you want me to get a different nurse?."

"I don't want you to get any nurse," she snapped. She breathed in a shaky breath and met his gaze. "Can you just help me get this off?"

"Okay," he said with a nod, stepping up to her as she slid off the bed. Charlie turned her back to him, beginning to unclasp what she could reach with her good arm. After hesitating, he started with the back of her armor until it was removed, piece by piece, leaving her in the skin-tight undersuit beneath it. Unzipping the front of the undersuit, she started to peel it off her shoulders, until her arm tweaked with pain.

"I can't," she started, trying not to let her voice betray the pain she felt. Kaidan gently grabbed the top of the undersuit and tugged it down her arm, his fingers brushing against her skin, sending a shiver down her spine.

She was hyperaware of just how close Kaidan was to her, and she could practically _feel_ him standing behind her. Against her will, her mind drifted to the last time she was this naked in front of him. It hadn't even been a day since they slept together, and she could still remember the taste of Kaidan's lips on hers, the feeling of his hands and biotics dancing over her skin… how elated she'd felt when he confessed what she meant to him… the look in his eyes when she broke his heart.

Grabbing her undersuit, Charlie pushed those thoughts away and took over, shimmying the rest of the suit down her torso and legs before kicking it off. She immediately took the medical gown the nurse had given her and put it on to cover herself, holding out the ties for Kaidan to grab. He took them and began to tie the gown behind her neck, and she held her breath, trying to ignore the feeling of his skin brushing up against hers again.

For a moment, she didn't dare to move, savoring the momentary closeness they shared. Charlie wished they could go back to when things weren't complicated and he could make her feel better with a few words and the sincere look he'd give her—at the same time, her thoughts drifted to what they _could_ have if she took back the shit she said after they'd slept together.

It would be complicated, with her as his commanding officer, but with Kaidan… she would be happy. She knew it, had a brief taste of it when they slept together, and god help her, she wanted more.

"Before Ilos," Kaidan breathed, revealing his thoughts were running along the same lines as hers. "What you said after we…"

Charlie tensed, swallowing hard, refusing to look at him. "I meant every word," she lied, her voice low.

"Then you can at least look at me when you say it."

She whirled around and met his gaze, her eyes boring into his as he stared back at her, his brows drawn together and lips pressed thin. "It didn't mean anything, it was just sex," she said.

"That wasn't just sex," he replied, his voice rough, a pained look in his eyes.

It _wasn't_ just sex. Charlie had tried to keep some distance between them, even while they were entwined together. She tried to make it just about what was physically happening, with no emotions involved, but it was so much more than that. She _felt_ how much she meant to him in every press of his lips to hers and every movement he made. Despite everything, she knew she let her walls down, let herself feel everything that she felt for him—her _love_ for him. For a moment, it was everything she could have wanted… until reality came crashing down on her, reminding her that she couldn't have him.

"I was stressed out and you were there. It was a moment of weakness," she forced out past the knot in her throat, keeping her eyes on his. "I don't have feelings for you. I don't care about you. Nothing can ever happen between us."

"Charlie," he pleaded, reaching for her.

"Don't." Tearing her gaze from his, she stepped away from him and sat back down on the bed. "You need to go," she whispered, her chin trembling.

"Charlie, _please_ , just talk to me."

She snapped her face back towards his. "It's Commander Shepard!" she barked, Kaidan's head jerking backwards at her words. She saw the same look in his eyes as she did hours ago, and her chest constricted painfully at breaking his heart once again. "Now go, Lieutenant. That's an order."

Kaidan stared at her a moment longer, swallowing hard before he turned and left the room. A breath she didn't know she was holding rushed out of her the moment the door shut behind him. Her chest started to heave, and she covered her mouth, trying to control herself. It was no use, as tears started to slip down her cheeks as she began to cry.

_I'm sorry._


End file.
